Flash Fiction: My History Boys (By Queenie) 10/27/2011
 “Ms Aaronson, Stig is beating Janssen again,” yelled Christofoor. Liesbeth looked across the classroom and quickly ran towards the boys’ toilet. “Stop! All of you!” Ms Aaronson shouted. “Niek, tell me what’s going on here,” Liesbeth took off her jacket and wrapped it around Janssen’s naked body. “I…I don’t know,” Niek stuttered, looking down at his feet. “Who is going to tell me what happened here?” Liesbeth helped Janssen get up. “They were talking…and…Janssen heard them,” Willem spoke up, pointing at the boys in the corner. “Stig, Hamel, Arjen and Ignaas, come to my office, right now!” Ms Aaronson looked at the boys sternly. An hour later, the old school bell rang. Time to go home. On her way back, Liesbeth was lost in thought. Two hands suddenly grabbed Liesbeth’s arms and pushed her down onto the grass. She let out a yell and struggled to sit up. “Ms Aaronson, how do you like this?” Liesbeth felt a hand moving up her leg. “Hamel? What are you doing?” Liesbeth frowned, almost whispering. “Ms Aaronson, we just want to have some fun with you,” another boy uttered and started to kiss Liesbeth’s neck. “Stig, stop this! I’m your teacher, I demand you to stop...” The boys began to strip their history teacher’s clothes off… Liesbeth did not shout this time, nor did she struggle much anymore. After three months of boredom and sexless life, Liesbeth started to feel aroused. She knew it was wrong, but she just couldn’t stop feeling this way. A third boy kissed his way to Liesbeth’s earlobe. Liesbeth gently touched his hair, figuring it was Ignaas without needing to open her eyes. She thought of the boy sometimes. He has a lovely smile. At times people mistake him for a girl. “Arjen…” Liesbeth moaned, knowing that he was the shyest of the group, he would probably just watch. “Yes, Ms Aaronson,” Arjen answered with a soft tone. Liesbeth pulled him over and let out a few more moans and groans. A shadow appeared behind the trees. It slowly approached and a hand was lifted up. A knife sharply and determinedly stabbed into Arjen’s back. It was Janssen. Janssen Schoonhoven. And it was only the beginning of an unbelievable night. 6 Comments Flash Fiction: Daydreamers (By Queenie) 04/13/2011
 Sunday was so bright that Isabel could hardly open her eyes. She heard the birds soaring above her and the sunshine shining through their wings. Were it not for the distraction of those moving legs of hers she would fall straight to the ground. Coming back from a go-see in another city was part of Isabel’s daily routine. Now she just wanted to head straight back home and lie down in her spacious bed, meditating and occasionally humming her favourite tunes like The Carpenters’ Close to You and George Michael’s Careless Whisper. She did remember she was still walking across the university campus, which was also part of the routine but the walk hasn’t always been pleasant. The air felt friendly but the sunlight was too much for Isabel to take in, as she has such sensitive skin that’s more sensitive than many girls her age. Isabel doesn’t reject the embrace of the sunlight, so very often she has to suck up the damage it has done to her. Voices and laughter soon interrupted Isabel’s thought on how to improve her portfolio. “Go say hello,” one voice suggested. “Shut up, why don’t you go and say hello?” another voice talked back. This happens sometimes, and Isabel would usually quicken her pace and walk on. “Hey…hey,” a third voice was within earshot of Isabel. Isabel did not stop walking until a hand tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and saw a face so cute that she thought what she saw wasn’t real. “Well, you dropped your photo,” the boy took a breath. “Oh,” Isabel smiled and shook her head, “Sorry, sorry, I thought, I thought you were…” “You thought I was? You mean…Steven?” he pointed at the boys behind, “Yeah, they’re hopeless, believe me, they are.” Isabel smiled again and jammed the missing photo into her folder. “Thanks anyway, I’ve got to run.” “Hey, what’s your name?” the boy looked straight into Isabel’s eyes. “Isabella, you can call me Isabel.” “Isabel. I’m Max, short for Maxim,” Max reached out his hand. Isabel shook Max’s hand just like she shakes everybody’s hand, what she didn’t know was the possibility that lay ahead. They talked for a few more minutes, until Max finally said, “Listen, Isabel. I was actually…looking for you. I know you usually show up at this time. In fact, I saw you a few times before, at this exact spot,” he paused a little, “Um, you see, there will be a fashion show next Tuesday at my uni. Do you think…you would be interested? You know, to be my model…” “Really?” Isabel glimpsed at the big clock in front of her. “Well, yeah, why not?” “You sure?” “Yes, I am sure.” “Cool, that’s a deal then. I promise it’ll be fun.” Max couldn’t help nodding. Isabel and Max exchanged their phone numbers and the two headed home afterwards. Isabel thought it might be a good opportunity for her to practise before she took on any modelling jobs. She went to bed that evening dreaming about dancing with birds and they were all over the university campus. Unlike most people, Isabel felt her Monday was easy and not stressful. She decided to take a day off and spend her time solely on practising her catwalk. Even though Max’s fashion show wasn’t really a big deal, Isabel took it very seriously. Tuesday came right after Monday. Isabel started to feel nervous. Isabel got cold sweat on both of her palms when she was walking the runway, but of course, no one could see that. What people saw were glamour, joy and the garments the models were wearing. When the show was over, Isabel did not hesitate to give Max a big hug, making him a truly happy boy that evening. On her way home, Isabel was stopped by a new stranger named Luca, who bravely confessed his admiration for her after watching the fashion show. And the two somehow ended up spending the night together, talking and snacking in hopes of finding comfort in each other without themselves realizing so. At around 4:30 in the morning, Isabel felt asleep in Luca’s arms. She dreamed about walking in a giant bird costume. She wanted to fly but felt too heavy to even wave her arms. She woke up the next morning feeling uneasy and restless. She frowned and wondered what the problem was. Max called again, asking Isabel out to dinner in order to thank her for her help. “Max, this is Luca. Luca, Max,” the boys shook hands and now they were all friends. The three watched a movie that night, The Dreamers, which is about a young American studying in Paris in 1968 and his rapid friendship with a French brother and sister, who claim to be twins. As with a lot of the French films, there are revolutions, politics, romance, sex and philosophies. It was perhaps because of The Dreamers that caused Luca to kiss Isabel. Or it was perhaps because of something else. It just happened. It happened before Isabel, or Max, realized it. “You know I’m still here,” Max mumbled to no one in particular. Luca pulled Max over and started to kiss his cheeks. It was perhaps because of The Dreamers that allowed Luca to kiss Max. Or it was perhaps because of something else. It just happened. It happened before Luca himself, or Isabel, realized it. “No, you know I’m not…” Max tried to push Luca away only causing Luca to hold him even tighter. The more Max struggled, the more Luca wanted to get him. It was logical even though it was not usual. A scene like this did not happen in The Dreamers. It was perhaps because of this realization, or rather, frustration, that urged Luca to make his move tonight. None of them, not Luca, not Max, not Isabel, drank that evening. None of them drank. None of them were drunk. It just sort of happened that way. The three felt connected. They dared each other, to do more, to go further and deeper. They somehow secluded themselves from the world. They made love with one another, under the same roof, under a new tunnel, under an army of birds, under the game of openness, whiteness and nothingness. 10 Tips to Survive a Break-up 03/24/2011
 1. Cry all you want. 2. Do something everyday to help yourself heal. 3. Find emotional support. 4. Don't be a doormat. 5. Keep busy. 6. Don't try to mask your pain by trying to find a replacement. 7. Don't spend too much time alone. 8. Trust your feelings. 9. Take your time. 10. Research. Top 10 Things To Be Thankful For 11/16/2010
 1. Life 2. Laughter 3. Trust 4. Tears 5. Sharing 6. Serenity 7. Happiness 8. Health 9. Faith 10. Friendship The Art of Hugging 07/20/2010
 When A Hug Is Not All That It's Cracked Up To Be Hugging is a physical acknowledgment of the presence of another with the intention of expressing affection. Sometimes hugging is meant to also express reunion after separation and in that case it represents "affection beyond words." Over the years though, hugging has assumed many uncomfortable forms, some of which I mention below to indicate how complex the phenomenon can be. Also, for each hug there is a picture to more clearly illustrate the hug that I am referring to. Funny enough, when you look up hugs on "Google images", there are an extraordinary number of hugs from political figures. (1) The Sideways Hug: This hug is commonly seen when two (often heterosexual) men move toward each other to hug. As they approach each other, the thought of their bodies colliding becomes a higher priority than the politeness of the hug, and the sideways hug is the end result. Both people feel slightly uncomfortable, but the completion of the usually short-hug leaves both people feeling very relieved. (2) The Back Pat: This hug signifies the confusion that results when the bodies of two people meet, but there is no idea what to do after this. The back pat becomes the metronome action behind the silence, counting the beats until the music of the speaking begins again. If you are someone who likes to hug, the back pat can be a total disappointment as it sometimes is curiously dismissive. It may inadvertently convey "yes, yes" or "that's okay" when you have no experience that warrants that response. (3) The Full-On Hug: This hug has many complex scenarios. It is best performed unselfconsciously without much thought. This ideal is often thwarted if one of the people has breasts, or if the crotch becomes inadvertently part of the hug. Then, the notion of un-selfconsciousness usually goes out the window. This hug is also best executed with pleasurable sounds (ahhhh! Being an example), but the sounds need to be congruent to the situation (hmmm! For example does not work in the breast or crotch situation). (4)The "Pleased to Meet You Belly Button" (PYMBB) hug: You know from afar, that when someone is 6'3" and over, and if you are an average height, that you will likely encounter some strange part of their bodies in the course of the intended hug. Your lips may land on their neck, or in more extreme cases, their chest or belly button. The height difference makes for significant discomfort, so this is one of the fastest hugs out there. Imagine if you lingered on at someone's neck or belly button! (5) The Shoulder Hug: This hug starts with an appraisal of the other person's face ("Look at you") but never quite makes it to the full hug stage. It may transit to a shoulder pat with one hand accompanied by a smile, but a definitive indication that there will be no point in the communication outside of eye contact. (6) The Tearful Hug: When this hug is awkward, it is usually because your tears and nasal secretions are covering the clothes of another person. This should be avoided at all costs. Tearful hugs only really work in real intimacy, and even then, people often have to use some effort to overlook the slimy mess on their neck or clothes. (7) The Elbow Hug: This hug is best executed with an approaching smile, back arched, and then hands to the other person's elbows. It is also well suited to the "look at you" exclamation, but it often involves two people who have a mutual understanding that they do not want to wrinkle each other's clothes. Other stilted gestures can accompany this-such as a cheek squeeze, or a "you look great!" exclamation. So while hugging ostensibly increases oxytocin and trust by decreasing activation of the brains "fear" center, the "amygdala", I wonder what the effects of hugging would be when it is less artful or authentic. I suspect that the amygdala will be less content to recline in a proverbial hammock and more likely to stand on guard until some genuine emotion comes through. The Perfectionism Trap 07/11/2010
 Why working moms fall into the trap of perfectionism. Perfectionism is a trap because we simply can't measure up to our own expectations of doing it all. And when we don't, we feel guilt. On some level, this guilt is a connecting point for all women because we all feel it. In small doses guilt makes us human. But when we feel an overdose of it, it wears us down, catches us in a cycle of negative thinking and damages our health. If we're working moms, it's even worse. We struggle with the constant balancing act of taking care of kids and still doing well in our careers. We're constantly juggling work and family - wanting to be supermoms at home while being at the top of our careers at the office. Why do we lie awake at night trying to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect friend and also perfect at work (when dads seem to be immune to this perfection need)? 1. These messages have been programmed into us since we were young and we - women collectively - haven't been able to squeeze out from under the pressure of believing we should be perfect. We internalize that message and - even though we know rationally that we lay far too many expectations upon ourselves and we know it's unrealistic that we can do it all, we still feel torn and distraught that we can't be perfect. 2. We also feel the pressure from other women - women who don't seem to be struggling as much as we are; women who are stay-at-home moms and don't have the extra time restraints; and even our own moms who lived in a different era with different perspectives of life and different obligations. So how can we get over this need to be perfect? 1. Don't allow someone else to define what you should and should not be doing. Make your own choices and let go of other people's expectations of you. 2. Set your own priorities for what you want to do in your day and let the rest go. Realize that there are only 3 choices - you either lower your expectations of what gets done, or you get someone else to do some of the jobs, or you try to do it all - and we already know that simply doesn't work. So set aside time for yourself - to work out, to relax and confirm for yourself that your kids will be fine if they're not with you 24/7. Let the rest go. 3. Make a calendar with the important events in your family life and keep it at your desk at work. Refer to it before you make a work commitment. Make the choice right away and then stick to your choice. 4. If you've done something you regret - like missing your daughter's soccer game because of work - apologize to her and move on. There will always be another soccer game - you have another chance. Your kids will forgive you. Your job is to forgive yourself. 5. Get support. There are so many other working moms out there who are struggling with the same issues. Just having someone to talk with can relieve your guilt and get you back on an anti-perfectionism track. The Effect of Technology on Relationships 07/04/2010
 The risks of Internet addiction Mail, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, YouTube, Delicious, Digg, LinkedIn, blogs (of course), and scores of others—all part of the new and wonderful ways we can now connect with one another electronically, each with its own culture and unique set of rules. In one sense, the planet has never been more interconnected. And yet, this interconnectedness, while wonderful, hasn't come without cost. ISOLATION Much has been written about the dangers of Internet addiction. From pornography to merely surfing the web, the Internet is clearly the television of the 21st century, an electronic drug that often yanks us away from the physical world. Like any addiction, the real cost, for those of us who are truly addicted, is to the number and quality of our relationships with others. We may enjoy online relationships using social media sites like Facebook or Twitter, for example, but the difference between these kinds of interactions and interactions with people in the physical world is clearly vast. As long as we expect no more from these online relationships than they can give, no good reason exists why we can't enjoy the power of social media sites to connect us efficiently to people we'd otherwise not touch. The problem, however, comes when we find ourselves subtly substituting electronic relationships for physical ones or mistaking our electronic relationships for physical ones. We may feel we're connecting effectively with others via the Internet, but too much electronic-relating paradoxically engenders a sense of social isolation. DANGERS Making our meaning clear electronically presents extra challenges. For example, we write things like "LOL" and "LMAO" to describe our laughter, but they're no real substitute for hearing people laugh, which has real power to lift our spirits when we're feeling low. I've also observed people using electronic media to make confrontation easier and have seen more than one relationship falter as a result. People are often uncomfortable with face-to-face confrontation, so it's easy to understand why they'd choose to use the Internet. Precisely because electronic media transmit emotion so poorly compared to in-person interaction, many view it as the perfect way to send difficult messages: it blocks us from registering the negative emotional responses such messages engender, which provides us the illusion we're not really doing harm. Unfortunately, this also usually means we don't transmit these messages with as much empathy, and often find ourselves sending a different message than we intended and breeding more confusion than we realize. ETIQUETTE For transferring information efficiently, the Internet is excellent. For transacting emotionally sensitive or satisfying connections, it's not. Even when we're all careful to use the Internet only to exchange information, problems can still arise. People tend to delay answering emails when they don't have what they consider to be good answers or when they want to avoid whatever responsibility the email demands of them. But this is like being asked a question in person and rather than responding, "I don't know" or "I'll have to think about it," turning on your heels and walking away in silence. It's far easier to ignore an email sender's request than a request from someone made in person because an email sender's hope to get a response or frustration in not receiving one remains mostly invisible. But it's every bit as rude. Our "emotional invisibility" on the Internet perhaps also explains so much of the vitriol we see on so many websites. People clearly have a penchant for saying things in the electronic world they'd never say to people in person because the person to whom they're saying it isn't physically present to display their emotional reaction. It's as if the part of our nervous system that registers the feelings of others has been paralyzed or removed when we're communicating electronically, as if we're drunk and don't realize or don't care that our words are hurting others. Social media websites are wonderful tools but are often abused. A few common sense rules for the electronic world apply:
CONCLUSION The Internet is an amazing tool. But even as it's shrunk the world and brought us closer together, it's threatened to push us further apart. Like any useful tool, to make technology serve us well requires the exercise of good judgment. For whatever reason, the restraints that stop most of us from blurting out things in public we know we shouldn't seem far weaker when our mode of communication is typing. Unfortunately, typed messages often wound even more gravely, while electronic messages of remorse paradoxically have little power to heal. Perhaps we just don't think such messages have the same power to harm as when we say them in person. Perhaps in the heat of the moment without another's physical presence to hold us back, we just don't care. Whatever the reason, it's clearly far easier for us to be meaner to one another online. Let's try not to be. Intense Attachments 06/27/2010
 Why is this dangerous guy so hard to leave? Women in these relationships and their family members who watch her relationship dynamics all wonder about **why** this dangerous guy is so hard to leave. While all the people around her have the easy and rational answers of how and why she should leave, the disengagement and detachment is harder with pathological persons than anyone else. No one knows this better than her. At the heart of the attachment is the intensity of bonding produced in a relationship that has an 'emotional vortex' pull. Much like magnets pointed towards each other, the draw and pull and staying power of pathologicals is not like other relationship dynamics. As we study these particular attachments we see that there are unusual qualities to the relationships that even the women can't define or adequately describe. This includes the dichotomous thinking often seen in 'mind control,' the hypnotic engagement often seen in trauma, and the betrayal bonding often seen in sexual addiction. Combined, this power cocktail renders her not only entranced by paralyzed from action. Normal motivations do not motivate her. Not her current roller-coaster mental health, her other family relationships, her declining health, her children, her job or any other force that would usually rally her to her own self care. No wonder people who care about her are baffled that a high functioning, bright, proactive woman has been reduced to a catatonic/hypnotized/brain washed version of her former self. An hour a week at the counselor's office has done little to unwedge her from this super-glued relationship. It hasn't recognized the hypnotic en-trancement, the growing PTSD symptoms, the cognitive loops and entrenched dichotomous thinking. It hasn't unveiled the death grip that pathologicals can have on a squirming victim. Or the mind control that sucks the will power and brain function from her. Physically and emotionally exhausted from the too-many-go-rounds with him, there isn’t enough left of her to fight her way out or even think her way out. Many women now suffer from Chronic Fatigue from the wearing process with the pathological. Without the emotional resources and physical strength, her lethargy just 'allows' the relationship to roll like waves over the top of her. Without help or intervention, she is likely to have a complete physical break down including severe medical problems, sleep disruptions, mental confusion, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and more. Women have developed auto immune disease and cardiac problems in the middle of these acutely stressful relationships. With all of their resources sapped and their concentration at a near record low, many have had to quit their jobs, have been fired, been in car accidents or sporting injuries because of the inability to concentrate. Taking an inventory of just 'what it has cost her' to be in a relationship with a pathological is often the first step towards education. Many of the women have PTSD now from the exposure to the pathological. PTSD worsens without treatment, with added stress, and with time. Some where she has to find the counseling resources in order to return her to a life she uses to know before the pathological. This includes finding support people, support groups, counseling, specific focused books and audios on the subject, and if needed, retreat or residential programs. If this describes your current situation, get what you need to heal now - to minimize the effects of the growing PTSD and the intrusive and ping ponging thoughts. Most of all, the intensity of attachment in order to be broken must first be understood. I Like You and Everything About You 06/21/2010
 When you look back over your relationships with people (and even products), there is a common pattern. You meet them, and you feel an overall sense that you like them. When you think about why you like them, there are all sorts of wonderful characteristics that come to mind. Some time later, if something goes wrong with the relationship you look back and realize that there were all sorts of other attributes of that person that you seem to have missed or glossed over. And then you blame yourself for not seeing the negatives from the beginning. As it turns out, though, there are powerful psychological mechanisms that affect your beliefs in ways that create the feeling that there is a high degree of consistency in what you like and dislike. Many of these mechanisms were described by Leon Festinger in the 1950s in his theory of cognitive dissonance, and more recently have been incorporated into theories by Paul Thagard in a 1989 paper in Behavioral and Brain Sciences; and by Steve Read and Amy Marcus-Newhall in a 1993 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The basic idea in these theories is one of spreading coherence. These theories propose that you have attitudes (I like this person.), knowledge about them (This person is funny; this person is self-centered), and beliefs (I like funny people, I don't like self-centered people). When you like someone, that tends to reinforce all of the knowledge you have that is consistent with that attitude. So, when you think about why you like a person, you will focus on qualities like being funny rather than qualities like being self-centered. The negative traits get put into the background. Sometimes, they even get re-interpreted. The person you like isn't self-centered, but rather is driven and hard-working. In essence, these mechanisms act to make your overall beliefs feel coherent. Your attitudes affect the strength of your beliefs. That means that the strength of these beliefs changes over time. Because this happens without your awareness, you will not realize that the strength of your beliefs has changed over time. And you will not notice that these beliefs have changed because of your attitudes. Instead, your own experience will just be that everything you can think of fits with your attitude. If something happens to change your attitude, then that will also change the strength of your beliefs. Deciding you do not like a person so much may make you more aware of his negative characteristics. The same thing happens with products and even with your beliefs in arguments. For example, the first time you see an iPad, you might be very excited about it. If you decide you want an iPad, then you focus on the desirable properties it has like the number of apps, the ability to bring papers on the road with you, or the opportunity to watch movies when travelling. Less desirable properties may not feel so important at that stage. Someone else who is not that excited about the iPad may focus on the negative characteristics. It is expensive, it requires a subscription to a data network to use it on the road, and many of the apps cost money. For each person, the strength of the beliefs related to the iPad will be influenced by that person's overall attitude toward it. There is even evidence that these mechanisms are at work in juries making decisions about court cases. Dan Keith Holyoak and Dan Simon studied people playing the role of jurors in a 1999 paper in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. They found that as jurors came to believe that someone was guilty, they focused more on evidence consistent with guilt than on evidence consistent with innocence. Conversely, as jurors came to believe that someone was innocent, they relied more on information consistent with innocence than on evidence consistent with guilt. So, what can you do? For one thing, just knowing that you are wired for coherence can help. Coherence creates a feeling that your beliefs support your attitudes. Coherence will play the strongest role in your attitudes when you rely on feelings to drive your actions. And in many cases, that is fine. It may not be worth over-analyzing your relationship with your friends or simple purchases for yourself or your home. When decisions are very important, though, it might be worth moving beyond your feelings. If a romantic relationship turns more serious, or if you are called upon to make a big decision (as you would if serving on a jury), then it is worth being a bit systematic about the relationship between your knowledge and your attitudes. Take a more careful look at the things you know that are inconsistent with your attitudes. Any romance or decision that is a good one will withstand a little scrutiny. As it turns out, you can like people without having to like everything about them.  Just as important as saying the right thing to the one you love is to avoid saying statements that have the potential to destroy the foundation of the relationship. Saying just one wrong thing can negate an entire day of good statements and actions. Negative and hurtful statements can have the power to cut through the very fabric of the bond between two people in love. Here are those five things you should NEVER say to your spouse: 1. It's your fault! Sometimes, a financial decision goes bad, one of your children gets in trouble at school, or some household calamity occurs. And know this - things do go bad from time to time in any relationship. Decisions turn out wrong. Stuff happens! But the blame game never works! It alienates. It divides. It most certainly undermines trust and openness in your relationship. 2. I told you so! Trust me on this - these four words are rarely ever used in successful marriages. This kind of "comeuppance" has no place in a loving relationship. There is no need to remind your spouse that you were right about something and they were wrong. Talk about wasted criticism! 3. Saying "I am upset with you about this or that . . . ." in a public setting. Telling private secrets or criticizing your spouse in public or to someone else can do permanent damage to the trust in your relationship. True or not - it doesn't matter. Keep private things private. 4. Why do you always . . . Focusing on your spouse's weakness rather than building on their strengths will only increase their weakness and diminish their strength. This habit can send a relationship into a downward spiral if weaknesses are pointed out and commented upon. Success does breed success. Stick with the strengths and don't focus on weakness. 5. Ask for your spouse's opinion and then do the opposite. We have heard from many angry divorced or almost divorced couples that this is the greatest indicator of "disrespect." If you ask where your spouse wants to go to dinner and he/she suggests a couple of places, then you select a different one, by your actions you said, "I do not respect your opinion and don't care what you think!" Since saying negative or hurtful things can be damaging to a loving relationship, it is wise to take extra caution before engaging your mouth when these negative thoughts come into your mind. |
